


Snippets

by aumontalc



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8483524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aumontalc/pseuds/aumontalc
Summary: The 100 Theme Fanfiction Challenge - Japril style!





	1. Painkillers

_Theme One - Love_

* * *

Set after 9x06

* * *

"Ow. Ow. Ow," April moaned as Callie assessed her ankle.

"How'd this happen?" Callie asked as she continued to examine April's left leg.

"We were going for an evening jog around Wilton Pond when the Duck Whisperer here saw a duck heading towards the main road," Jackson began, shaking his head. "Of course, her first instinct was to try and catch it. As she was chasing it, she fell into a gopher hole and twisted her ankle. That's why we're here today."

"I couldn't just let the duck get run over," April protested.

"Well, it sounds like that duck will live another day, but you'll need to be off your feet for a couple of days. I'll write you a prescription for some oxycodone to help with the pain and you should go home and get some rest." Looking at Jackson, she asked, "You gonna take her home?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course," Jackson nodded.

"If she's not driving, I'll go ahead and send a nurse in with some painkillers, then you two can be on your way."

* * *

Quickly losing patience, Jackson scooped April off her feet. It had been a long day and he was not in the mood for this right now. He'd spent the last ten minutes trying to coax a limping and argumentative April towards his front door. The pain killers had kicked in and sensible April had left the building. In her stead was a strong-willed, bull-headed woman who thought she could walk without any assistance. Three almost-falls hadn't seemed to clue her in to the danger of the situation. His best bet would be just to carry her inside, change her into pajamas, let her sleep it off, and never, under any circumstances, let her have oxycodone again.

"I can walk," April protested as she flailed her arms about weakly.

"I know, but it's faster if I carry you."

Once inside, Jackson headed towards his bedroom and gently deposited April on his bed.

"I hope Mr. Quackers is OK," April said as Jackson started taking off her shoes.

"Who?"

"The duck. That's what I named him, Mr. Quackers." Sitting straight up, April gasped, "Mr. Quackers is probably hungry. We should go feed him!"

"April, it's 10:30 at night. You're not going anywhere."

A tear slipped down April's cheek. "Poor Mr. Quackers. He's so hungry and so lonely…That's probably why he was trying to escape to go find a pond where the other ducks are nice to him. Now he has no friends and he's homeless. Oh, Mr. Quackers."

Jackson closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The pain killers were hitting her HARD. She worried about some pretty crazy things from time to time but fretting over a friendless, homeless duck took the cake. He needed to get her calm and get her to sleep. The sooner she slept this off the better.

"I'm sure everything will work out fine for Mr. Quackers."

April looked at him, her eyes shining with hope. "Really? You really think so?"

"Your little duck friend is gonna be just fine."

April smiled as she lifted her arms up as he took off her shirt and dressed her in one of his old college t-shirts. "You see, Jack-man. This is why I love you," she said, pushing his shoulder gently. "You always know how to make me feel better."

Jackson nodded. April had expressed her appreciation for his loyalty many times over the years. It was nothing new. It was just how their relationship was.

"Look at me," April said, clumsily grabbing his chin as he was tucking her under the covers. "You're not the only one who has feelings. I love you. It's been kind of wiggling around in my head awhile. I haven't been sure how I felt but I know now. I'm in love with you Jack-man and it's not because of the sex. The sex is good, so good, but it's just everything…your face, your heart, how you're a mama's boy and try to hide it, how you're always so kind to me. I just know it, Jackson."

April yawned. "I know it," she murmured, closing her eyes. "I love you."

Jackson stroked the hair off her forehead as he watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest. "Yeah, I know it. I love you, too."

* * *

 


	2. Need

_Theme Two - Light_

* * *

Set during 12x07

* * *

_I need to have sex with my wife._

As the elevator door closed, Jackson shook his head in disbelief. How could he have been so oblivious? Of course, Ben and Bailey didn't want him on their couch indefinitely.

He got it. If he were in Ben's shoes, he'd feel the same way.

 _I need to have sex with my wife_.

Jackson didn't know why but the words seemed to haunt him. They rang in his head like an annoying cuckoo clock. This wasn't about Ben anymore. His thoughts suddenly turned to him and April and how he needed to have sex with his own wife.

Shaking his head, Jackson refused to let himself go down that path. He was going to ask her for a divorce tonight. There would be no sex. Sex with April was no longer an option. That part of his life was over, dead and done.

Yet, he couldn't keep his mind from wandering back to the last time he'd had sex with his wife. They'd been at home, in bed, like they'd done countless times before, but instead of the deep contentment he usually felt afterwards he'd only been left with a feeling of emptiness. The sex had been awkward and off pace. It had felt like they were on two different wavelengths, April, unbeknownst to him, dreaming of returning to Jordan, and him wondering how they'd drifted so far apart and if she loved him like she said she did, how she could have left him for so long.

Jackson swallowed. So their last time together wasn't the best. It's not how he would have chosen to remember his and April's time together, but it was what it was.

* * *

Jackson cursed himself as he checked out his wife for the umpteenth time that evening. He couldn't help that she looked so damned good in that dress, but he could at least try to be more inconspicuous about it. April was starting to notice his stares.

He needed to spend less time reflecting on how good her ass looked in that dress and more time figuring out how he was going to broach the topic of divorce.

"Let's go sit on the couch," he suggested after they had finished clearing the take out boxes off the table.

April sat next to him on the couch. Her body only eighteen inches from his. He could do this, he told himself. Just ignore the fact that her dress is creeping up her thigh or that the neckline of her dress allowed him a view of her cleavage that he wasn't mentally prepared to handle. He could tell her he wanted a divorce.

_I need to have sex with my wife._

Damn it! Why were Ben's words in his head again? No. Stop thinking about it, he warned himself. Closing his eyes, he tried to squeeze out the unpleasant memory of the last time they'd had sex. He knew in his heart that that wasn't how he wanted to go out with April. That last time wasn't like the other times. Sex with them had always been great, been meaningful. That last time had been so bleak and depressing he just couldn't let it be their last time.

Opening his eyes, he searched April's face. Just one last time, he told himself. One more time. Just one more time.

Reaching for the back of her head, he pressed his lips against hers. He wasn't going to let the guilt of this get to him. He wanted April. He needed her desperately. Was it so wrong if they had sex just one last time?

* * *

Jackson placed a final kiss upon April's lips before he rolled to his side of the bed. His heart was still pounding loudly.

It had been perfect. It was just like their first time - amazing and life-changing, but damned confusing.

He glanced at April, but she'd already curled over to her side, preparing to sleep. What was she thinking?

Jackson turned over and stared at the closet willing himself to fall asleep. He consciously slowed his breathing down as he closed his eyes. As he slowly breathed in and out, flashes of the last hour assaulted him - her hand against his cheek, her nimble fingers as they made short work of his belt, her soft sighs, her sweet scent, the feeling of wholeness. He tried so hard to push that last thought back. It scared him to think that without April he would never be whole again, but that's honestly what it was. He felt whole again. He felt happy and like himself. He was still hurt, he still had doubts about his relationship, but he couldn't deny that for the first time in months he no longer thought that divorce was the best option for them. After this long, dark phase, he finally saw a glimmer of hope in the distance.


	3. Mario

_Theme Three - Dark_

* * *

April giggled as Jackson pressed featherlight kisses against her neck. She really shouldn't be in the mood. It had been a very long, very tiring day, but what could she do? Her husband was just too irresistible.

Turning in his arms, she returned his kiss with a passionate one of her own. As she began to pull her tank top over her head, she froze at the sound of the doorknob turning.

"Mama? Daddy?" she heard a little voice cry.

Jackson let out a loud, exasperated breath as he rolled onto his back.

April sat up, pulling her tank top back over her stomach. "What's the matter, Cayden?" she asked her son.

"I'm firsty," he said with that cute little lisp that April found absolutely adorable. Jackson thought he needed speech therapy, but April wasn't ready to concede to that yet. He was only three and a half, surely he would just naturally grow out of it.

"You're not thirsty, bud," Jackson said. "Go back to bed. It's time to sleep."

"Am too!" Cayden replied with a tiny little huff.

Sighing, April rolled out of bed. Scooping Cayden into her arms, she carried him to the kitchen and poured him a small glass of water. He carefully took the cup out of her hands and sipped out of it leisurely.

"We go to the liberry tomorrow, Mama?"

April nodded. "We'll go to the library and get lots of new books for you. Now, hurry and drink up. The sooner you go to sleep, the sooner we'll get to go to the library."

Cayden continued to drink at the pace of a sleepy tortoise. Anxious to get back to her husband, April took the cup out of her protesting son's hands. "If you were really thirsty, you should drink up faster," she reprimanded.

Taking him to his own bedroom, April placed him back in bed and kissed his forehead. "Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you."

Within seconds of re-entering her bedroom, she had straddled her husband. "Sorry about that," she whispered against Jackson's neck. "He's back in bed now."

"Is he?" Jackson asked as he tilted his head towards the door. Peeking his little head through, Cayden stood watching his mom and dad.

"Whatcha doin'?" he asked.

They both ignored this question as April rolled off of Jackson.

"Why are you back out of bed, Cayden?" Jackson asked.

"Oh, I was bored. I fot I would see what you guys were doing. Maybe we could play with some of my toys."

Jackson, more than a little irked, replied, "We're not playing now. It's dark outside. It's time to sleep."

Getting out of bed, he scooped his son up and quickly deposited him into his own bed.

"Goodnight, Cayden," he said as he closed the door.

"Your son is acting weird," Jackson said as he locked their door before sinking into the bed next to his wife. "What is up with him today?"

"So he's only my son, now?"

"When he's being a damned nuisance, he is."

"You know years from now, you're going to miss this phase. He's gonna be a stinky teenager who comes home only to eat and play video games. We should cherish these years."

"Cherish having a professional cockblocker for a son? No thank you."

April slapped Jackson on the arm. "Don't say that!"

"I love him, but that's what he is. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, I think I was right about here," he murmured as he pressed a kiss against her collarbone.

April forgot what she was gonna say next as she wrapped her arms around her husband.

As her hands slipped down to the waistband of her husband's sweats, she heard the rattle of the doorknob and groaned out loud. "For heaven's sake!" she moaned.

"Mama? Daddy?" Cayden called.

"Let's not say anything," Jackson whispered. "Maybe he'll go away."

April's maternal instincts would never let her do that. Perching on her elbows, she called back, "What do you need sweetheart?"

"I'm firsty."

"You already had a drink. Go back to bed."

"I'm bored."

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but it's bedtime. We can play in the morning. Go back to bed."

For a full minute, Jackson and April heard nothing from the other side of the door. Then, a tiny voice could barely be heard saying, "I'm scared. I don't like the dark."

Sighing, Jackson got out of bed, turned on the light and opened the door. April's heart almost broke as she caught sight of Cayden's little tear-streaked face. Scooping him up with one arm, Jackson strode over to the closet.

"I've got something to show you, little man."

Digging through a box, he quickly found what he was looking for. Blowing off the dust, he handed it to Cayden. "Do you know who this is?"

"Mario!"

"That's right. When you plug Mario into the wall, he lights up the room and all the scary darkness goes away."

"Really?"

"Really. You want to try it in your room?"

Cayden nodded his head eagerly, wiggling down and pulling on his dad's hand to drag him to his room.

Ten minutes later, Jackson returned to his wife.

"How'd it go?" April asked.

"He's asleep. If I would have known he was scared of the dark, I would have given him that night light ages ago."

April propped up on an elbow as she looked at her husband. "That night light looks pretty old. I'd say it's about 30 years old."

Jackson rolled his eyes as he put both hands in the air. "You caught me. It used to be mine."

April smiled.

"What?"

Shrugging, she replied, "You're a good dad. I just find that really, really sexy."

"Oh, yeah?" Jackson asked as he hovered over her.

"Yeah," she whispered as his lips met hers.


	4. Tell Me

_Theme Four - Seeking Solace_

* * *

Set after 10x13

* * *

They had been married for 3 weeks. Three blissful weeks that had been the best of April's life. It was crazy how easily they had fallen into the roles of husband and wife after so much time apart. She'd missed him so much. She missed kissing him, touching him, and just talking to him.

Over the course of their short marriage, there had been many nights that they'd lay awake and talk for hours. They already knew so much about each other but after the past year of barely speaking they had a lot to catch up on.

Tonight Jackson seemed a little off like he wasn't fully present. Kissing his shoulder, April asked, "What are you thinking about?"

In the dark, April could feel him shake his head. "Nothing. It doesn't matter."

April placed both her hands on his chest and propped her head on them. "It does to me," she whispered. "Tell me what you're thinking."

Jackson sighed. For a minute April was convinced he wasn't going to tell her what was bothering him, but then he started talking. "When I was cleaning the closet this afternoon, I found an old birthday card my dad sent when I was kid before he stopped sending them altogether." Shrugging, he said, "I don't know. I guess it just bummed me out."

April closed her eyes and bit her lip. She knew that his father was a sore subject. She knew the basics of their relationship. Jackson's dad couldn't handle the pressure of being an Avery so he ran away from it all including his wife and young son. But she didn't know any details. As friends and even in their short stint as girlfriend and boyfriend, he'd never opened up. But now she was his wife. If there was any time to find out the story, it was now.

Settling back into the crook of his arm, April said, "Why don't you tell me about your dad?"

Again April thought he wasn't going to respond, but after a few silent moments, Jackson began to speak.

"I don't remember that much about him. I was only six when he left. He was tall with light brown hair and blue eyes. I didn't see him a lot. He was always busy so we didn't spend that much time together. Then, one day I was in my room playing when I heard my parents fighting. I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember my dad yelling "I can't take this anymore. I can't take my dad or you breathing down my neck all the time. I'm done." My mom yelled back, "So you're just going to leave? You're not even going to try?" And my dad was like "Yep." and just walked out the door. That was the last time I saw him."

April blinked back a tear. It wasn't fair that the man she loved so much had had to deal with so much pain. He didn't deserve it.

"Did he ever try to contact you?"

"Not really. He called me on my seventh birthday and sent me birthday cards until I was 10. He just kind of checked out."

"Did you ever try to contact him, find out what he was doing?"

Jackson sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Yeah. When I started med school, I looked him up and sent him an e-mail. He lives in upstate New York and has a family practice. He's got a new wife and two kids there."

"Did he ever e-mail you back?" April asked, stroking his chest.

Laughing humorlessly, Jackson replied, "Yeah, he wrote that he hoped I was happy but he thought the past should be left in the past. He wasn't looking to rebuild our relationship."

"Oh, Jackson," April whispered, cupping his face.

Jackson scrunched up his face in that way of his when he was trying to hold back tears. "Why wasn't I good enough for him, you know? Why didn't he want me? He's my dad. How can he just pretend like I don't exist?"

By now, April's one tear had multiplied into a hundred. Pressing kisses against his face, she whispered, "You are good enough. You are smart, brilliant, witty, caring, loving. He's the one missing out, not you. I love you so much, Jackson."

Wrapping his arms around his wife, Jackson closed his eyes as he hugged his wife tightly. "Can I just hold you? I just need to have you in my arms right now."

April nodded. "Always. I'm always here. I'll never leave."


	5. Dropped Bouquet

_Theme Five - Break Away_

* * *

Set after 10x12

* * *

"I love you and I think you love me too. Do you?"

April gasped for breath. What was happening? Her brain struggled to comprehend the words Jackson was saying to her. He loved her? He wanted her with him? That couldn't be. She'd told him months ago how she'd felt and he…he hadn't felt the same way.

This was a dream. Someone should pinch her. After all this time, Jackson couldn't want her. He couldn't be interrupting her wedding to another man. This was all a dream.

Yet the shocked gasps from the guests and her rapidly beating heart let her know otherwise. This wasn't a dream. This was real. And everyone was staring at her expecting her to say or do something.

"What do you think…" Matthew began to say as he turned himself towards Jackson.

April knew what would happen if she stayed any longer. Matthew would object to Jackson's objection. Chaos would ensue. April didn't want to deal with that. She was so tired of over thinking things. She just wanted to go with her heart. And what her heart wanted above all else was….Jackson.

Dropping her bouquet, April raced down the steps towards Jackson. When she reached him, she grabbed his hand and kept running. She didn't want to stop to think, to ponder, to question, to worry, to regret over her choice. She loved this man. She wanted him and he wanted her too. Nothing else mattered.

They'd decide the future later, for now it was enough that they'd chosen each other.

* * *

 

As soon as the word's left his mouth, Jackson doubted everything he'd just said and done. He was a fool. Of course April didn't want him, didn't love him. He was at her wedding to another man for heaven's sake. She loved Matthew. He should just sit his ass down or better yet sneak out a side door.

But he couldn't find the will to move his feet. He stood staring at the woman he had recently realized meant everything in the world to him. Say yes, he willed her telepathically. Say you want me, say you love me too. Don't just stand there. Say something.

Matthew slowly turned around to face him. "What do you think…"

Just as he'd taken April's breath away by his declaration of love, it was now her turn to take away Jackson's. April dropped the flowers she was holding and started running.

Is she running towards me? he thought hopefully. Or is she running away from this whole scene? Knowing her like he did, he feared it was the latter. April didn't handle stress well and he'd just dropped a bomb on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Crap, his interruption had probably just put a nail in the coffin of the most important relationship of his life.

But as he stood thinking his dark thoughts, April ran to him, grabbed his hand, and pulled. He needed no encouragement. He turned and fled with her.

Hell yes, he thought as they ran out the barn doors. She chose me. He didn't know where they were going or what they were going to do when they got there. All he knew was that April was right where she was supposed to be, with him.


	6. In Awe

_Theme Six - Innocence_

* * *

"What are you doing?" Jackson asked as he walked into the bedroom he shared with April.

April, who was lying next to their 3 day old son, looked up at him and smiled. "I'm just admiring this precious little bundle we created."

Jackson smiled, joining his wife on the bed. "He is pretty amazing."

April smoothed her hand over the sleeping newborn's slight patch of hair. "Everything about him is so perfect. His eyes, his little button nose, his little rosebud mouth. I can't get over how blessed we are."

Leaning over, Jackson kissed his wife's forehead. "I know it's tempting to stare at him all day, but why don't you get some sleep while he's taking a nap? You've got to be beat."

April nodded. "I am, but I just want to savor these moments, you know? He won't be this little for long and I don't want to miss a second of it."

April's mind wandered to another baby she'd held in her arms, Samuel. He'd been just as precious, but he hadn't been able to stay with them. Their second son, Cayden Isaac, was healthy and thriving. After all the pain and worry of her first pregnancy, it had been hard for her to wrap her brain around the fact that this baby was completely healthy. Yet despite her disbelief, she thanked God for this wonderful miracle.

Cayden had been born on August 4th, nine months after having sex with Jackson for what April thought was the last time. Yet, God had had other plans. Jackson had wanted to give counseling a shot before giving up on their marriage. And shortly after starting couples therapy, April had found out she was expecting another baby.

* * *

_Eight months prior_

April pushed her peas around on her plate. She'd cooked dinner, but she wasn't hungry for any of it. Things had been going so well for her and Jackson. They were making a lot of progress in therapy and she was worried that her news would set them back to square one.

It couldn't be helped though. She had to tell him. "Jackson, I've…I've got something to tell you."

Still chewing his piece of chicken, Jackson nodded his head.

April took that as a request for her to go ahead and say what she needed to say. "I'm pregnant. Almost 5 weeks," she said in practically a whisper.

Coughing in surprise, Jackson banged on his chest to help swallow the chicken he was choking on. Once swallowed, he took a big gulp of water. Seconds ticked by as April waited for his response.

"You're pregnant?"

April nodded, biting her lip nervously.

"Almost 5 weeks? It must have been that night before we decided to try therapy."

"Yeah, that's when it happened. I didn't plan this Jackson. I wasn't trying to trap you or anything. It's just I was in Jordan and then you and I weren't together so I didn't think I needed to be on the pill."

Jackson nodded. "I understand. I just kind of assumed you were still on birth control. I should have asked. So how are you feeling? Are you OK?"

Honestly, April didn't know yet. She'd only found out for certain about this pregnancy this morning.

"I want to be happy. I want a family with you, but…"

"But we're just starting to find our footing again," Jackson finished for her. "It's not the best timing."

"That," April said, agreeing with her husband. "And I..I'm scared that this baby…that we won't be able to keep this baby either."

All of a sudden, her hormones and all of her fears about her marriage and the health of her baby combined with the sadness of losing Samuel culminated into a mess of tears.

Within seconds, Jackson was up on his feet and over by April's side. Taking her in his arms, he gently smoothed back her hair. "It's gonna be alright, April. We can do this."

"What if something's wrong with this baby too?"

"I don't think that will be the case, but if something should happen…just know that I'll be here."

* * *

April remembered the night she'd told Jackson about their baby, how scared she was and how he'd comforted and consoled her. Instead of pushing them farther apart, her pregnancy had brought them together again. And as each month passed and each ultrasound showed them all the signs of a healthy baby, April's confidence grew. Yet, she couldn't help but doubt her good luck. She couldn't fully accept that her baby was safe and sound until he was out of her womb and in her arms.

Now, here he was, all pink and healthy. So no, she wasn't going to take a nap right now. There would be time enough for that later. For now, all she wanted was to soak in all the wonderful little moments with her son. Taking her husband's hand, she squeezed it and sent a prayer of thanks up above for her perfect little family.

* * *

 


	7. Dirty Laundry

_Theme Seven - Breathe Again_

* * *

Set after 12x08

* * *

_"So your homework tonight is to let everything out, tell each other everything that has ever bothered you. Don't worry about hurting each other's feelings - just let it out. When it's the other person's turn to share, don't interrupt and try to deny or explain why you did what you did. Let them just gripe, for lack of a better word, without having to listen to any of your explanations. Air your dirty laundry. Get it into the open. Trust me you'll both feel so much better after it's all said and done."_

Jackson chewed on his bite of broccoli as he thought about the homework the therapist had given him and April. It was only their second visit so they really didn't know if she was any good or just a crock. Despite the glowing reviews she'd received on Yelp, Jackson was definitely starting to think it was the latter. How could airing out all their dirty laundry be helpful? Wouldn't that just cause more resentment? Yet, he couldn't help thinking that it would maybe make him feel better. He'd had all these emotions trapped inside for so long about Samuel, and about April leaving that it felt like a constant weight was on his chest. Maybe if he told April how he felt, he'd feel better.

April sat across from him pushing her food across her plate with her fork. "When do you want to start our homework?" she asked.

Shrugging, Jackson said, "I'm not sure it's such a good idea. What good would airing out our dirty laundry do? It just seems like it would start another fight."

"Dr. Carrero is a licensed therapist who's been in practice for over 15 years. I think she knows what she's doing. I say let's give it a try. We can take turns sharing one thing until we don't have anything else to share. If you want, you can go first."

Jackson finished chewing and took a sip of his wine. Closing his eyes, he quickly weighed the pros and cons in his mind again. He wanted his marriage to work so he would give it a try. "Fine," Jackson said shrugging. "I'll go first. I guess my first problem is that you went half way across the world for a freaking year."

"I didn't do that to…"

"Dr. Carrero said we weren't supposed to explain. We were just supposed to listen."

"Yes, you're right," April said.

"It's your turn. You tell me a problem you have with me." What she could come up with he had no idea. He'd been nothing but supportive and caring their whole relationship.

"You make fun of me for my faith."

"No, I do not."

"Dr. Carrero also said we shouldn't deny the things our partners say we do. We should just listen."

Jackson bit his tongue. He had more to say about this, but he would try to play by the therapist's rules. "Well, you look down on me for not being religious."

"You are just making stuff up now," April spat.

"Remember no denying your deeds."

April huffed, crossing her arms. He could see that what he'd just said had made her angry. This was exactly what he hadn't wanted. He did feel like she thought less of him for not being religious. He still remembered her look of pity after their fight about religion early in their marriage. Closing his eyes, he sighed.

"Look April, we gave this a shot, but I don't think this "homework" is very healthy. It's just pissing us off."

"Have you finished your list?" April asked.

"Well, no, but I think we should stop nonetheless."

"We're not done until we've aired everything out. I think it's my turn again. You are very unforgiving. Even when we were just dating, you didn't let things go easily."

He didn't forgive? Then why was she his wife? Why were they giving this marriage a second chance? He bit his tongue again to keep his thoughts from turning into words. "You just forgot about me after Samuel's death. We were supposed to grieve together and I had to do it alone."

Tears pricked April's eyes and though it was clear she wanted to argue her case, she didn't. "OK. Fair enough."

"April, we can stop…"

April shook her head. "No. We've got to keep going….You…you constantly imply or say out right that I'm crazy."

It wasn't constant. He'd only done it like two or three times, yet his conscience pricked him. He shouldn't say things like that to his wife. He didn't know if apologizing was something Dr. Carrero would allow so instead he kept on with his list. "You're wishy-washy. You can't stick with a decision. One day you want me and the next day you don't. It was the same when you were with Matthew you couldn't decide if you wanted to be with him or with me."

"Clearly, I wanted you."

Jackson shook his head. "You're not very good at following Dr. Carrero's rules."

"Just hush and let me have my turn. I might have been with Matthew longer than I needed to be but you slept with Stephanie like two days after we broke up. That was a really low blow. It felt like our relationship didn't mean anything at all to you."

Jackson rolled his eyes. His wife could be so dense sometimes. "Do you not know what a rebound is?"

"Now, who's not following the rules?"

"You broke them so can I. Where were we? Is it my turn? Yeah. You only think of yourself. You don't consider anyone else when making decisions even your husband."

April's nostrils flared, but she stayed silent. "You are stubborn and value your pride more than your own happiness. I mean look how long it took you to even admit that you wanted to be with me. Did you really have to choose my wedding to another man to tell me you loved me? It wasn't like you didn't see me every day."

Damn. She'd gotten him on that one too. He'd always known that she was the one for him. He'd just hadn't wanted to admit it and accept defeat. It was only when he was threatened with the possibility of losing her forever that he threw his pride to the wind.

"You made way too big a deal about losing your virginity and the whole revirginizing crap was completely stupid. I mean I'm glad I was your first or whatever, but your constant harping about how sad you were that you broke your promise to Jesus was annoying and not the greatest boost for one's ego. I mean enough was enough. You didn't know when to shut up about it."

"Well, you're a total douche when you're angry. You say the most hateful things like you don't care that I'm your wife or the woman you love."

"What do you expect me to say when I'm angry? I'm not gonna quote love sonnets after you've ticked me off." Sighing, he rubbed his head. "I think that's about all on my list. Oh, I almost forgot, it drives me nuts that you're so organized. Everything doesn't have to have its place you know. It's not gonna kill the spatula if I put it in the wrong drawer."

April rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Since you're done I'll go ahead and list the rest of mine." Touching a finger for each point, she said, "You're far too conceited about your looks. So what, you're good-looking, who cares? You are NOT organized and it drives me crazy. It's hard to cook meals in a timely manner when things are not in their place. Finally, I hate hate hate how late you are to everything. You wear that big old watch all the time so use it."

"You done?"

"Yeah, I'm done."

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know."

* * *

_A week later_

"So how did airing your dirty laundry go?" Dr. Carrero asked.

"It wasn't easy, but we did it."

April nodded in agreement.

"How do you feel now that you've shared?"

"I feel relieved," Jackson admitted. "Like I got a weight off my chest."

April nodded. "Me too."

"Good. That was the whole purpose. Now, that you've talked about all the things you don't like about each other, let's talk about all the things you do…"


	8. Nightly Talks

_Theme Eight - Memory_

* * *

Set before 12x19

April ran her hand over her just beginning to show baby bump, her heart torn in two directions. Half of her was elated and overjoyed about the new life harbored within her. The other half was mourning how things used to be. This pregnancy was so different from the last. This pregnancy was just so…lonely.

At night, her heart ached for the sweet care and consideration that Jackson used to show her when they were still together, still in love. All the little things he would do like the extra help with chores, the late night runs for food, putting the nursery together among a myriad of other things, but what she missed most of all was his nightly talks to her bump.

It was their own special ritual. She'd already be in bed reading when he'd join her and slowly pull down the covers. He'd lift up the bottom of her shirt to reveal her belly and place a little kiss there.

"Hey, little guy," he'd say. "How was your day?"

He'd then go on to tell about his own day, his surgeries, the food he ate, the sports he'd watched on TV, but he'd always end the same way.

"Daddy loves you. Mommy loves you. We can't wait for you to be here." Then, he'd place a final kiss on her stomach before smoothing down her shirt. He'd stretch back up to the pillow opposite her and lean over to kiss her before turning out the lights.

April bit her lip to prevent the tears from falling, but they fell anyway. This baby wouldn't get to hear his daddy's whispers at night. She was a single mom now. Every milestone, every step of the way, she'd be doing things on her own. She couldn't lean on Jackson for support. That was no longer an option. She only had herself and her faith in God.


	9. Overstepped

_Theme Nine - Insanity_

* * *

Jackson smoothed his hand over his nine month old daughter's curls. She was his pride and joy. It was his night to have her, but something unexpected had come up at work and he would have to forfeit his father-daughter time. He didn't feel too badly about it though. He and April were in a good place now. After weeks of fighting after he'd first found out April was pregnant, they'd finally come to a truce.

They'd become friends (sort of) again. He'd been a constant presence in April's life as they went through the pregnancy and birth. When Juliette was born, he'd even moved back in for the first three months to make things easier for April and the baby. During this time, they'd gotten along great. The joy of having a healthy baby had smoothed over all the hurt and bitterness of the past. Things weren't perfect. They were still divorced. He knew that April still loved him and wanted them to be together. One night about a month ago she'd even asked him if he wanted to give them another chance. He'd thought about it, but in the end he'd decided it was best that they stay apart. They were better like this. They were better just as friends. Sure, he missed the sex, but it just wasn't worth the risk of getting his heart pummeled again.

He hated giving up quality time with his daughter especially when he specifically planned his off days at work to coincide with the days he kept Juliette. But when the board called an emergency meeting he had to be there and although he was sure his little angel would do just fine it was an important meeting that needed his full concentration. He left in such a hurry that he didn't even think to call or text April before driving over to her apartment. It wouldn't matter he knew. They both loved Juliette and she'd be happy with the extra time she got with her. Besides April was probably at home just reading or trying out a new recipe.

When he got to the door, he lifted his hand to knock but paused at the sound of April's laughter. Arizona must have come over he thought as he knocked on the door.

"I bet that's the pizza guy," he heard a male voice say. "I'll get the door."

Confusion and shock flooded Jackson's system as the door swung open and he stood face to face across from a tall, blond man. Jackson quietly surveyed the man noting his athletic build and classically handsome features. He was desperately trying to wrap his head around the fact that there was a man in April's apartment.

"Who are you?" he asked abruptly. Manners be damned.

"Um, I'm, I'm Scott. Scott Walker," the other man stuttered in reply.

Pushing his way through with his daughter, Jackson entered the apartment. "April," he called.

Wiping her hands on a dishtowel, April looked up in surprise. "Jackson! I didn't know you were going to be here."

"Neither did I," he replied. "An emergency board meeting was called so I need you to watch Juliette."

Reaching for her daughter, she took the baby in her arms. "Jackson, I really wish you would have called or texted. A heads up would have been nice."

"Why?" he asked already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it come from her lips.

"Because I'm on a date," she whispered, looking in the direction of Scott as he stared slightly open mouthed at the two of them.

"Sorry if I ruined your plans to screw this guy, but I've got to go."

"Jackson!" April gasped, appalled.

As he stalked past the guy on his way towards the door, he could hear April apologizing. "Scott, I'm so sorry. That was my ex. I don't know what's gotten into him."

* * *

Pounding on the steering wheel, Jackson pressed down on the gas pedal to put distance between himself and what he could only imagine was happening between April and that ass-clown Scott.

* * *

April dropped Juliette off at the hospital daycare and went in search of her ex-husband. To say that last night was completely embarrassing and humiliating was an understatement and it was all because of Jackson.

The second she spotted Jackson she made a beeline for him. "Jackson," she said. "What was that last night? I thought we were friends again and then you go and act like that."

Jackson shrugged, his jaw tense as he asked, "How come you didn't tell me you were seeing someone?"

April shot him a perplexed look. "Why should I? We're not married anymore and you made it very clear you were not interested in us getting back together. I've finally made peace with our divorce and am finally trying to move on. I don't see how it's any of your business."

"It's not my business? Of course, it's my business. Anybody that's going to be around my daughter I need to know about."

"Well, until last night and your unexpected arrival, Scott had never been around Juliette. That was only our third date and probably our last. He left shortly after."

To be honest, April wasn't too broken up about it. There hadn't really been a connection with Scott because she wasn't completely over Jackson yet, but she had to do something. She couldn't just live the rest of her life as a single mom.

"Well, that's probably for the best. He seemed like a douche."

It takes one to know one April thought, but refrained from sharing her thoughts out loud. Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, April continued, "The way you acted last night was not OK. You were rude to me and my guest. You overstepped your bounds and I would like an apology."

* * *

Jackson stared at April, knowing she was right. He should apologize. He'd acted like a jerk, but the thought of her with someone else drove him crazy.


	10. The Right Decision

_Theme Ten - Silence_

* * *

Set after 12x11

April stared at Jackson, willing him to say something, say anything. Please LORD, have him do something other than just stare at me. Seconds ticked by as Jackson continued his refusal to speak. With a heavy heart and a heavy sigh, April gave up and picked up the pen.

* * *

Jackson closed his eyes and savored the bitter taste of the cold beer he'd just swallowed. He was at Joe's, alone. He didn't want company. He wanted a greasy burger and enough alcohol to numb the pain of all that had gone down today.

He looked at his bare left hand and took another swig from the bottle. Divorced. He was divorced. He and April were done. He was free. Jackson laughed to himself at that thought. He wasn't sure if he'd ever truly be free from April. Divorce sucked especially when he knew without a doubt how much he still loved April. But he'd decided that he needed to love himself more. That he needed to put his needs first for once. Although this divorce hurt like a mother, it was what was necessary for him to heal. Some things got worse before they got better and that's how it was with this divorce.

The events in the lawyer's office kept replaying in his mind. April's question about whether he wanted this or not haunted him like a pesky ghoul. At the office, he hadn't said a word. Hadn't dared to, honestly, because he knew he couldn't trust himself. He had been on the verge of blubbering like a damn baby. He knew if he spoke his voice would crack and she'd know. She'd know how much he didn't want to divorce her. He didn't want to divorce her and even now he was actively suppressing thoughts of regret. This was what was best for him he told himself. He couldn't get past his anger and hurt so there was no point in staying married. Try as he might; he couldn't forgive April. He'd done the counseling, but it hadn't helped. Every time he looked at her all he thought of was how she'd left him. On top of all of that, they just didn't make sense. They were too different. She should have married Matt.

Downing the rest of his beer, he realized that he didn't believe that. There was no way he could stand to see her married to that guy. He shooed away the thought that she might get married again. He didn't want to think about that. Hell, he didn't even want to think about the thought of him getting married again either. No, he was open to seeing someone again and having a serious relationship, but he'd think long and hard before or if he'd ever get married again.

He signaled for the waitress to bring him another beer. The steady flow of alcohol was just what he needed to stem the panic in his chest that he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life. No, he was right to do it he reassured himself for the thousandth time. A few more months of counseling wouldn't have helped. He would still be just as hurt and just as angry. A pesky _You could have tried harder_ skipped through his brain. Within moments of the waitress setting down his second beer, it was already half drunk and he was motioning for another one.

"Just bring me a pitcher and a scotch, neat."

Beer was too lightweight. He needed the hard stuff to drown all his doubts and would be regrets. _You made the right decision. You made the right decision._ That's what he kept repeating to himself, but he wasn't even close to believing it.


End file.
